Psychologist Tells Us How To Navigate Dating Someone Who Doesn't Want To Attend Pride Events
Whether you identify as gay, asexual, pansexual, bisexual, or any other identity under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, Pride Month is the time for all members of the community to come together and celebrate the queer spectrum. Pride parades and parties provide the opportunity for people to embrace who they are and support LGBTQ+ rights with friends and loved ones. However, not everyone is at the same stage in their journey and may feel reluctant to attend Pride events with their partner. On the other hand, some folks avoid Pride events simply due to shyness or social anxiety. Nevertheless, this may cause tension between two partners if they have trouble seeing eye to eye. During an exclusive interview with Gliz, Dr. Kat Arenella — licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and clinical associate at Modern Intimacy — explains that you can still celebrate Pride Month with your partner by finding ways to compromise with one another.
According to Dr. Arenella, "If you are pushing yourself to attend events for the sake of your partner, it might be useful to have an honest conversation about this with your partner. You may find that your partner is totally okay with you skipping out once you discuss your concerns. Or, you might find ways to compromise together." Conversely, if you're someone who looks forward to attending Pride events, Dr. Arenella recommends talking to your partner and forming a solution to meet each other halfway.
What to do if you feel pressured during Pride season
During our exclusive interview, we asked Dr. Kat Arenella how to address a situation where one partner feels pressured to come out or attend events during Pride season. "This is going to depend on the relationship and the individuals involved," Dr. Arenella tells Gliz exclusively, "but I think one of the most foundational pieces here is good communication. It is helpful if the person wanting to attend Pride events can discuss this with their partner, including the importance of this for them."
Attending a Pride parade can hold different meanings for everyone, so, in this case, it's important for the individual to feel that they can share these reasons with the other person. "The same goes for the partner who doesn't want to attend — discuss your reasons with your partner so they can understand where you are coming from," Dr Arenella shares. "From there, you can make a shared decision forward that honors both of your needs."
For instance, if you're not ready to come out, perhaps you can compromise with your partner and support the LGBTQ+ community as an ally. Alternatively, you can attend a pre-parade event if the parade itself feels too daunting for you. Dr. Arenella suggests joining your partner and their friends for a "Pride-adjacent activity," such as brunch before the parade or dinner and drinks in the evening. "Whatever the decision is, check in with each other after to provide care and support," Dr. Arenella adds.
How to ensure both partners' needs are met
"Community support is one of the most well-researched predictors of wellbeing for queer folks," Dr. Kat Arenella shares during an exclusive chat with Gliz. Therefore, deciding not to attend any Pride events for the sake of your partner is not necessarily the right move, especially if you attend them to seek community. Instead, try compromising and brainstorming other ideas to meet both you and your partner's needs. "When it comes to finding a compromise, it is important that you first really understand each other's needs," Dr. Arenella says. "Try to explain your own worries, needs, and wants with non-judgmental language, and focus on how attending/not attending Pride makes you feel. This can make it a little easier for your partner to really hear and understand you."
Moreover, consider celebrating Pride on your own by enjoying a Pride-themed date and getting creative. For instance, binge-watch a queer TV series or have a karaoke session by belting out songs by your favorite LGBTQ+ artists. You can also go for dinner with friends who also identify as queer. There's no wrong option here, as long as you're bonding with your partner in a way that makes both partners feel accepted and comfortable. "If you are feeling pressured to come out during Pride season, it might be helpful to remind yourself that the spirit of Pride is not actually about being 'out,' Dr Arenella explains. "It is about resistance, liberation, love, and expression — all values you can have even if you aren't out!"