The Stinging Phrase Your Partner Wishes You'd Stop Using
Every relationship faces the occasional speed bump or rough patch, and when faced with a difficult situation, many of us rely on platitudes to reassure, inspire, or comfort a partner. But these vague, meaningless phrases aren't always helpful — and they might do more harm than good. In particular, variations of one common phrase have the potential to wreak relationship havoc: "Don't worry, it'll all work out."
It seems pretty inoffensive, right? Who wouldn't want a quick injection of optimism during hard times? But toxic positivity is a real issue, and these types of statements — "We'll get there," "Everything will be fine," or "It'll sort itself out" — have no practical value. Such sentiments provide no real fixes, accept no responsibility, and verbally push off problems without actually addressing anything.
If you just say something like "We'll figure it out" without making any tangible effort to improve the situation, nothing is actively getting accomplished. Worse still, the repeated, actionless use of these platitudes can damage trust and actually introduce more stress and dissonance into your relationship.
Trusting that things will 'somehow work out' doesn't help you overcome obstacles
Some people live by a philosophy of "que será, será" — whatever will be, will be. While that may be helpful for rolling with life's punches, taking a passive approach doesn't help you address any solvable problems that pop up. In fact, this laissez-faire attitude may land you and your partner in deeper trouble when issues go unchecked. It may also undermine the trust between you. Think about it: If you constantly tell your partner that situations "will be fine" only to have them blow up in your faces, your partner eventually won't believe your reassurances anymore.
If you fail to take action toward problem-solving, it may also make your partner feel alone and overwhelmed. When fixing things always falls on them, your partner may think they're bearing the bulk of the mental load in your relationship. "When couples don't feel as if they're on the same team, working toward the same goals in ways that seem fair, this can result in relationship distress," licensed psychologist Melissa Estavillo explained to Healthline.
It's true that the opposite extreme — overthinking — can be exhausting and, sometimes, equally unhelpful. In fact, if you or your partner is a chronic overthinker, you may want to explore ways to combat overthinking in your relationship. But there's a sweet spot between needlessly stressing and going with the flow — a spot where you can work together to make a helpful and proactive action plan.
Optimistically brushing off problems can alienate your partner
Now, we're not trying to hate on optimists. A positive outlook isn't, in itself, a bad thing. But excessive optimism falls in the camp of valuable traits that can quickly become toxic. Trusting that "it'll all work out" can lead some partners to behave recklessly, skip making contingency plans, or shirk important responsibilities. This is bound to place stress on a more organized or detail-oriented partner. "There are real differences between people who are spontaneous and people who are planners," relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein told Bustle. "Neither way is right or wrong, but if you are on different pages, it can often cause a lot of tension and unhappiness."
Similarly, the desire to comfort your partner is both natural and laudable. But blithely telling them, "Don't worry, it'll be fine," can make it seem like you're invalidating their feelings. "Efforts to avoid, ignore, or suppress emotions that are appropriate to context can isolate someone in their time of need," licensed clinical psychologist Jaime Zuckerman told the Harvard Business Review. "When we tell someone that feeling sad, angry, or any emotion that we consider 'negative' is bad — we end up eliciting secondary emotions inside of them like shame, guilt, and embarrassment." In other words, your attempt to smooth over your partner's worries can inadvertently come across as dismissive, patronizing, or belittling — none of which will make your boo feel better.
Skip the empty reassurances and focus on meaningful communication
It's easy to point out conversational sinkholes like "It'll be fine" and waffle on about what not to do, but knowing the right way to react is a little trickier. If offering reassurances is off the table, how should you handle times of stress or difficulty? Rather than relying on platitudes, consider exploring simple ways to improve communication in your relationship. For instance, practice being a better listener and giving your partner's concerns due attention instead of optimistically brushing them off. When faced with problems, be open to their suggestions and offer actionable ideas of your own.
As author and relationship educator Morgan Cutlip told GoodtoKnow, "Life is busy, people's work lives are busy, busy is the norm. So if a couple can agree on the idea that 'Yes, we're both busy, but we have to navigate all the responsibilities of life well together,' then the conversation will automatically go better." Remember, you don't have to be a coach ready with cheery pep talks — instead, you and your partner should be a united, problem-solving team.