Is The Friend Zone A Myth? We Asked A Dating Expert
"I like you, but let's just stay friends," or "Can you please come over, I just broke up with someone and I really need a hug right now." If these phrases seem to strike a nerve and sound very familiar to you, then you are probably stuck in the friend zone.
"In relationships, a person who has been relegated to remain in the 'friend zone' is someone who is regarded as a platonic friend, even though one of the partners may have pursued the relationship because they have a romantic interest in the other partner. The arrangement can occur in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, but is most commonly a heterosexual male," Dr. Wendy Walsh, America's go-to expert on relationships and acclaimed television journalist and author of three books, tells Gliz during an exclusive interview. "The situation can be particularly painful for the person who has been placed in the friend zone because they live in a place of unrequited love."
Does this situation ring a bell? You might be faced with unrequited love and willingly staying in the friend zone, picking up any crumbs of interest and affection offered to you, maybe hoping for a "friends with benefits" arrangement down the line. Or you might be on the receiving end of this love and using the other person's interest to fill any emotional voids you may have. On the other end, it could just be that you really do like them as a friend, but nothing more. Wherever you stand, the friend zone is a very real situation that can be tricky for both parties to navigate.
When did the friend zone become a thing?
"According to some, the term 'friend zone' first appeared in the 1994 'Friends' episode 'The One with the Blackout.' In the episode, Joey Tribbiani tells Ross Geller that he's in the friend zone because he waited too long to make his move on Rachel Green. But the phrase didn't become mainstream popular until nearly two decades later," Dr. Wendy Walsh shares exclusively with Gliz.
Even though the coinage is relatively new, the concept of the friend zone is probably as old as time. And if you think about it, it makes perfect sense from an evolutionary point of view. Way back when humans were hunting boars with spears and lived in caves, having many "friends" served a survival purpose. Survival of the fittest meant doing everything you could to survive, and that oftentimes relied on having people around you to help you beat the odds of survival (and, yes, helping you perpetuate your genes). It's just not so great in modern times when you hope to have more with someone who is only interested in a platonic arrangement.
"Evolutionary psychologists say that it's healthy for [a] human's mental health to keep a roster of 'back up mates' and people in the friend zone fulfill this function. In addition, historically, we were all part of a tribe. Having people of all genders as friends in our tribe is helpful for survival because they all have skills they can lend to us," Dr. Walsh explains.
Are you stuck in the friend zone? Here's what you can do
Unfortunately, knowing that the concept of the friend zone is "very legitimate," as Dr. Wendy Walsh tells us, does little to help you when you are personally stuck in this situation. After all, being in love with someone you can't be with really hurts. Whether you are on the giving or the receiving end of this unrequited love, this type of friendship can lead to heartbreak, and turn sour very quickly.
If you are trapped in this situation, hoping that the object of your affection will at some point see your value, and madly fall in love with you, Dr. Walsh advises to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. "Dump all hope. If you're staying with the hope of picking up romantic bread crumbs and you are unhappy in this place, move on," she tells Gliz exclusively.
On the other hand, if you are the one receiving all the attention and are keeping your friend for selfish reasons — because it can boost your morale knowing that you are desired — or because you do genuinely care for them and want to be friends, Dr. Walsh advises coming clean and being honest: "Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Don't lead them on by being physically affectionate or flirting with them. Make it clear that you guys are just friends and remind them over and over." This is especially true if you are trying to stay friends with your ex.