Research Says These Behaviors Can Ruin Your Relationship
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Romantic relationships are hard. Finding the perfect partner is tricky, but finding "the one" and then keeping them? Well, that's a different game altogether. Unfortunately, this is a common struggle for many nowadays. People seem to move from relationship to relationship, and before they've even had the chance to relax and feel comfortable in finally settling down, the partner decides to end things. Does this feel all too familiar? According to the Pew Research Center, three in 10 Americans are single, so trust us, you're not alone!
If you're repeatedly seeing your relationships go south, though, it might serve you well to reflect on how you behave in relationships. Granted, it takes two to tango, but your behaviors may be inadvertently pushing your partners away. Do you see yourself reflected in any of these scenarios? Maybe you're sabotaging yourself by continuously looking for a person who checks all the boxes on your preconceived "ideal partner" list, or perhaps you allow past failures to dictate the future of your new partnership. Do you start new relationships and immediately begin to worry about losing your partner? If so, it might be time to learn about the behaviors that can ruin your relationship without you even realizing it.
Letting your insecurities and anxieties get in the way
A 2019 study on insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction published in Personality and Individual Differences suggests that the higher the insecurity and anxiety in the relationship, the less the satisfaction. And in the book "Attached: The New Science on Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love", authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller describe how anxious individuals constantly worry about their partners' true feelings. In the end, insecurity leads to jealousy and a lack of trust, which may ultimately lead to breaking up.
So, what can you do if your anxieties and insecurities keep getting in the way of your happiness? You can start by loving yourself first. The more you love yourself, the more confident you will be and the less insecure and needy in your relationship. Plus, if you start loving yourself more, you will also respect yourself more, and you can expect your partner to mirror this behavior. Make sure that your communication is on the right track. Open and clear communication is paramount in any relationship, so having a heartfelt conversation about your feelings and your needs will also help you uncover the root cause of your anxieties while helping your partner address them more effectively.
Going out of your way to please your partner
Do you always go out of your way to please your partner? If you constantly put your partner's needs and desires above your own, then you're setting your relationship up for failure. Research shows that being a people pleaser could be ruining your love life. As professor of psychology Dr. David Ludden explains in Psychology Today, "Occasionally sacrificing for your partner can be a good thing. They get what they want, and you have the pleasure of knowing you've satisfied them. But if it's standard operating procedure, your relationship is in trouble. You can't be happy in a relationship in which you always give, but never receive. And your partner won't be all that happy either."
According to clinical psychologist and Stanford University professor Dr. Katie Fracalanza, people who strive to please others are at risk of experiencing depression. They may also feel more anxious, which combined with depression, can result in a situation that will eventually erode the relationship. Dr. Fracalanza advises us to acknowledge that this behavior isn't healthy — and to pay closer attention to when we're doing something because we truly want to or simply because we want to make others (in this case, our partners) happy. Once we're able to distinguish the fine line between these two behaviors, we can start saying no and doing the things that actually make us happy. Naturally, a happier person is also a better partner, correct? Thus the risk of ruining your relationship decreases.
Always trying to fix your partner
Being a fixer could be why your relationships keep breaking. As certified psychoanalyst Dr. Allan Schwartz writes on MentalHelp.net, "An unhealthy wish to fix others is to get into relationships where the partner is seen as someone who needs fixing ... any relationship based on one person trying to fix the other is doomed to failure." And according to integrated couples specialist Staci Bartley, trying to fix your partner can lead to the two of you growing apart. She explains in an episode of her podcast, "Love Shack Live," that many people try to fix their SO by dangling "their love and affection like a carrot" in order to get them to exhibit the behaviors they consider desirable or appropriate. Bartley proposes to her listeners: "Let me ask you — when in your life has that ever, personally, inspired you to change?" It's very likely that trying to fix your partner will lead to resentment if not your fair share of relationship fights. After all, if you consider your partner to be a fix-worthy case, why be with them to begin with?
During an interview with FOX26 Huston, psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini explains that in order to stop being the fixer, we have to first work on ourselves and identify our triggers, but we also need to take a step back and consider whether we have any personal behaviors that could be irksome. Granted, nobody is perfect, but when we show empathy and understanding instead of trying to change our partners, we may save our relationship from failure.
Forgiving but not truly forgetting
Are you one of those people who don't let bygones be bygones? Do you sort of forgive, but never truly forget? Unfortunately, this is one of those behaviors that can ruin your relationship. If you want to salvage your relationship, you need to find ways to be more empathetic towards your partner and stop reliving the past. If you keep ruminating over past actions and hold grudges deep inside you, then you'll feel bitter and resentful. Plus, your partner will never feel at ease — never quite knowing when you will throw past mistakes in their face again to stir up an argument.
Along those same lines, you need to stop keeping score. Your relationship is not a competition of who gives or goes more out of their way to satisfy the other partner. If you keep a mental log of everything you do versus what your partner did not do, then you are turning the relationship into a business transaction where neither of the two parties will be happy.
Psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker, and bestselling author of "13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do," Amy Morin explains in Business Insider that relationships thrive when partners don't complain about everything they do. "While mentally strong individuals make sacrifices for the relationship, they don't insist on giving up everything to the detriment of their well-being. They refuse to become bitter and resentful about everything they do for their relationship. Instead, they set limits, ask for what they need, and take care of themselves."
Being defensive all the time
"The way you protect yourself from feeling hurt can silently kill your relationship. When you shield yourself by being defensive, apathetic, or distant, your relationship dies a slow death," marriage and family therapist Nancy Carbone writes on marriage.com. In any relationship, communication is key. So, when you avoid really listening to your partner's complaints, you are raising up a problematic wall. Instead of trying to understand how your SO feels, you become defensive, and instead of owning up to your mistakes (or at least seeing from your partner's point of view), you attack them back. Understandably, this is a behavior that will ultimately ruin your relationship.
"We can all be defensive in relationships, especially when we are feeling attacked," psychologist Lauren Gentile tells Business Insider. "However, defensiveness can escalate a mundane conversation into a fight quickly. We all make mistakes in relationships, the key is taking responsibility instead of making excuses or pointing fingers." To break this cycle of defensiveness, the next time your partner raises a concern or complaint, or asks to talk about their feelings, try to listen carefully. Ask yourself, "Am I really doing X and Y? Is my partner right in feeling this way? How can I change what I am doing to make this relationship work?"