The Toxicity Behind Your Partner Never Paying For Anything (& What You Can Do About It)
Most know the old adage "money can't buy love." Well, it's true to some extent. You can't buy the love of a person, but when you keep paying for everything in the relationship, resentment will eventually begin to grow. Money will ultimately become a problem, and it is not an uncommon issue in today's relationships. Many Redditors seek advice on this awkward topic, wondering why their seemingly perfect partner avoids paying for anything. To which one reader replied that if the relationship was so perfect, then they wouldn't need to complain about it on Reddit.
Granted, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. According to an article by James R Langabeer, professor of Medicine and Clinical Informatics at the University of Texas Health Science Center, money has "a powerful psychological impact on our relationships" and can lead to arguments, and some times even breakups (via Psycholgy Today). A 2022 survey from the American Psychological Association on "Stress in America" reports that 55% of Americans surveyed agree that unexpected expenses are stressful. So, if your partner never pays for anything, then know that you are not alone and that them being skint could actually be one of those signs that your relationship isn't the one for you. But if you are not willing to let go, there are things you can do about it to salvage the relationship from feelings of resentment and arguments.
Own up to your part in this toxic situation
We get it; when you are faced with this toxic situation, it's hard to stop seeing yourself as the one in the right. But the thing is, your actions, or lack thereof, are allowing this financial inequity to become the norm. By continuing to pay for everything, you are allowing this unhealthy dynamic to cement. If you only fight about the money problems but never actually sit down to calmly talk things through, then this is a sign that you and your partner have poor communication, which will ultimately erode all aspects of your relationship.
Communication is key, so have a heartfelt discussion with your partner and lay down the facts. What is it that bothers you? Is it that you have to pay for everything? Or that you can't actually afford to lift the weight of the financial responsibilities? If you are making more money than your partner, perhaps in their mind, they are not wrong for expecting you to pay more. Being open and honest about your feelings, needs, and expectations is the first step towards salvaging the relationship. Split the bills in a way that is fair to both of you depending on your income. When your partner knows that they are responsible to pay for certain things, and that you won't be paying for it, then they should know to cover the cost. Especially if what you agreed on them paying is reasonable based on their income.
Balance the relationship
"As a couples therapist, I find that the issue of money and power is almost always at play with every couple I encounter. For some couples, this issue hovers over couples like a dark cloud or shadow, appearing from time to time explicitly, and always in play implicitly," writes Assael Romanelli, licensed couple and family therapist (via Psychology Today). Inevitably, money can become an issue, and when one partner is constantly paying we have a shift of dynamic that throws the couple off balance, and results in dealing with power struggles. But, what should you do when your partner loses their job and they really can't actually pay for anything (as opposed to not wanting to pay for anything?).
In that case, you can balance the relationship by making sure that your partner helps out in other ways instead of chipping in. For example, they can clean the house, run errands, cook, or do the laundry. In this way, your partner's self-esteem won't be crushed. Plus, you won't feel that you are being exploited or resentful for pulling all the weight of the relationship. In an interview with Brené Brown, she candidly admitted that marriage (or relationships for that matter) are never 50/50 (via YouTube). So, if you have to bear the weight of paying for everything until your partner can find another job, then your partner can bear the weight of doing other things to keep the relationship healthy.